Frugality at its finest

About two or three months or so ago, I was in bed on the phone with my laptop open in front of me, when I decided to get up, or maybe I rolled over, or maybe aliens possessed my body and I levitated for a minute, I can’t really remember. But the point is: the computer slid off the comforter and crashed straight to the floor, landing solidly on the narrowest portion of the side where all the hoosie-whatsits get plugged in. Since I was on the phone, I did not say any expletives (behold my mammoth restraint!) or even gasp audibly. I continued on with the conversation as if I hadn’t just numbskulled my way into a potentially budget- and job productivity-threatening situation.

After hanging up, I gingerly retrieved the unit from its sad, sprawled state and gave it a once over, and oh, it was not good. There were blue wires coming out of the back that had not been visible before, and the top no longer met the bottom in a nicely symmetrical way, but instead made my Mac look like it had a pronounced underbite. I was pretty sure everything was toast, but lo and behold when I opened it up and powered it on, I was met with the reassuring BONNNNNNNNNG of hardware life. Jubilation! Rejoicing! Fist pumping!

So, as a result, I began toting around the sorriest looking sad excuse for a laptop you have ever seen in all your days, out to coffee shops, to work, on trips, etc. And it kept chugging along with no apparent issues or malfunctions. So smug was I, with my still-working wonky workstation! Looks don’t matter to me! It’s what’s on the inside that counts! And other malarkey.

And though it has kept a stiff upper lip, held its head high, hung in there, etc. now it’s begun shutting down, ever-so-slowly, like rot setting in to a turkey sandwich left out in the sun. The power cord is iffy at best, only charging the computer when I hold my mouth right, and sometimes not even then. Currently, my routine is to work on the computer for as long as I can while the battery is holding strong, and then when I just can’t risk it anymore, I save all my work, shut down, unplug the unit, remove the battery (using a coin that I scrounged out of the couch), hold down the power button for five seconds, put the battery back in, turn it back on, and then insert the power cord. This is a method researched extensively by L on the internet on some magic Mac quick-fix voodoo website and works about two-thirds of the time. Sometimes I do it up to four times in one hour.

Next up, we try a chanting ritual with chicken bones, arranged in the shape of a once-bitten apple.

These maintenance methods will work indefinitely, I’m pretty sure. I should teach seminars.


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