Ex Temper Hey Knee Us
Ex Her Size
The Shred, I have started it once more. And by “started it” I mean “did it for the first time in a month of Sundays yesterday afternoon.” I want to tell you that it was not that bad, but oh. Oh no. No no no. When I was finished, I lay on the floor like a weak, hairless baby kitten. In my defense, though, it was not totally because of my lack of fitness that I was in such a state. I did every move Natalie-(Amazon woman on the back left)-style, including every single count of push ups in the Hardcore position, ohyesIdid. And the ONLY reason for this chowderheaded move was the pair of five-year-old eyes locked onto me the whole time, which were connected to the five-year-old MOUTH chattering at me the whole time, like a channeling of old Jillian M. herself. YOU AREN’T JUMPING AS HIGH AS THAT LADY, MOM. NO MOM, YOU’RE NOT DOING IT THE SAME. MOM, WHY DO YOU LOOK SO FUNNY. MOM YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO STOP BECAUSE THOSE LADIES ARE NOT STOPPING. MOM I CAN LIFT THESE WEIGHTS EASY THEY’RE NOT EVEN HEAVY. MOM WHY IS THE HOUSE SHAKING. MOM ARE YOU EVER GOING TO DO ANY LEVELS BESIDES LEVEL ONE. MOM WHY AREN’T THOSE LADIES BREATHING HARD LIKE YOU ARE. COME ON MOM, YOU CAN PROBABLY DO IT IF YOU TRY REALLY HARD.
And to think some people pay to get this kind of personal trainer abuse.
Ex Sell Ant
Graduation to the clown cart!
Also, who is so awesome that she holds up the front door traffic of the Kroger on a busy afternoon just for the purposes of photographing her children in a grocery store shopping cart? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!
You know you wish I were your mom.
Ex Or Schism
I don’t know if the full credit for this should go to the beautiful, magical bottle of bright pink antibiotic goodness, or if some of it has to do with developmental shenanigans giving it a rest already, but the little girl that lives in my house has turned into the most delightful and charming and adorable being on the whole of the earth. I cannot get enough of her. In fact, I have been struck so dumb with affection towards her that I have had to stop myself from going to wake her up when she’s asleep because I miss her. That is whacked out, you guys. This is the same girl I was considering selling on eBay last week.
Her communication skills have rocketed to a whole new level, and she can tell us pretty much what she wants when she wants it with some sort of wordage or gesture that (and this is key) does not involve A.) my eardrums exploding or B.) the need for full body armor. The hugeness of this development cannot be overstated. It’s huge. Huge. HUGE. And I can keep stating that, because it cannot be overstated! HUUUUUGE!
She eats her lunch every day, happily bopping along to whatever ringtone Noah is messing around with on my phone, (every day. every single day with the ringtones.) and once she’s finished eating she says AW-WIGHT to signal that she’s ready to get down. As I clean her hands and face she says “Rah-rah? Beh. Mama. Rah-rah,” to tell me that she’s ready to go rock and take a nap. I read her one book in the rocking chair and then she says, “Suz? Beh?” as she cranes her neck to her bed and her sleepmate Baby Suzie. After I lay her down in her crib she tucks her legs up under her body like a balled up baby hedgehog and singsongs to me as I walk out the door, “Nigh-nigh….” Then she sleeps for two and a half or three hours. (!!!!) (!!!!!!)
(Toddler-sized Noah was not a fan of sleeping.)
She reacts to my re-entering a room as if we have been apart for ages, yelling MAAAMAAAAA! and running to smile into my knees. She has started saying all of her friends’ names at school, and she walks up to each one of them as they arrive to stroke their cheeks or kiss them on the shoulder.
Also, she has started calling Noah “Buddy.”
“Hey buddy! Hey buddy!” she says, peering into his face from an inch away.
So freaking adorable, it kills me. I am dead. R.I.P. me.