Malaise and manlessness

Just Another Way Healthcare Is Failing America

I do not have any fancy x-ray machinery in my house to confirm this unfortunately, but I’m pretty sure I have broken my back.  I’m not sure what else but a spine snapped clean in two could make me feel as miserable.  Ok, well but GEEZ, maybe it’s not that bad, I’ll ratchet the piss and moan back a notch, but it’s enough that I am lying here trying to will the brownie ice cream in my freezer into my bed with Jedi mind tricks instead of walking the 20 feet it would take to get it.  Mostly it’s my muscles – specifically, my stoop-over-and-hoist-26-pounds-of-ham-hocks-and-eyelashes-muscles as well as my keep-violently-thrashing-baby-cougar-from-smashing-skull-to-smithereens-muscles that are bothering me. Maybe when they send you home from the hospital with all that free stuff like the (loathesomely inadequate) new parents brochure, diapers, wipes, TV (we had to unbolt ours ourselves, they totally forgot) and baby lotions, they should include a handy poster for you to hang in the most frequently used room of your house that says “DON’T FORGET TO LIFT WITH YOUR KNEES, MORON.” I am a simple girl, and need things like this put in my face in all caps. Oh well, too late now. I am one hip heft away from paraplegia. Piss! Moan! Rosebuuuuuuud….

Dude, Where’s My Dudes?

I had a revelation while talking to a (female, natch) friend recently, and it was this: I am never around men.  No, but seriously, never. I mean, sure, I have a few guys I know pretty well, I’m friends with guys on Facebook, I am married to a man (at least I’m pretty sure I still am, law school has consumed him so much that we communicate solely by social media now. HEY L WE’RE OUT OF MILK ALSO YOUR MOM CALLED) but apart from the occasional conversation at church on Sunday or the rare glimpse of a dad who drops off his kid at the preschool, I live in Estrogen City, USA. I work with only women and I spend the rest of my day in my house with kids or in places where the majority of frequenters are stay at home moms or (female) nannies. Don’t get me wrong, I love the ladies, and there’s nothing better than a meal with one of my closest girl friends, but I have to say: I am missing some XY in all this XX action. (One more X and that would be a whoooooole other post, AMIRITE.)

I don’t even know how to fix this situation, really. Somehow calling up some guys and being all, “HEY WILL YOU BE MY BFF IT’LL BE TOTES AWESOME!!!!1!!” seems….awkward.  Plus, most of the guys I know are married, and there is like a code of conduct that you just don’t want to mess with (for good reason), unless you are living say, at Melrose Place, or are a doctor on Private Practice (Addison Montgomery, I’m looking straight at you). But man (pun intended) do I miss a little male perspective on daily life. If there is anything I’ve learned from being married for almost nine years, it’s that men and women are wired completely differently, and rightfully so. It’s good to have a little yin to your yang, a little logical to your emotional (I’ll let you interpret who’s who for yourself in that one), a little Will to your Grace. Or something.

I guess for now I’ll just keep on having those uncomfortably long conversations with my grocery bagger until I get a different job. Eggs go in a separate bag to prevent breakage? Fascinating! How about those [SPORTS TEAM NAME HERE]? I think it’s their year!

(GAH. Will, please give me a call. KTHNXBAI.)

9 comments

1 Amy { 02.10.10 at 8:34 am }

Oh, I feel this way about ALL adults, not just men. Husband works all the time and I’m a SAHM but part-time nanny to another 2-year-old. I’m THAT MOM at kiddy play groups, the one who will inch closer to you and then strike up a conversation about sneakers or your cell phone model if you so much as make eye contact, because I am lonely. I used to be all, “dude, I’m not here to make friends!” and now I’m all, “hi, please be my friend.” pathetic. And I spend way too much time on fb and Twitter and commenting on strangers’ blogs…Because it is adult interaction I’m after, male or female.

2 Dorothy { 02.10.10 at 9:00 am }

First of all, I totally say to myself EVERY. TIME. that I pick Taylor up now “lift with you legs” because I keep forgetting and my back is killing me. I find myself laying on my back in the middle of the floor just because I don’t have the will power to move someone more comfortable. and I’m thinking it’s only going to get worse as the weight on my front side increases dramatically.

Second of all, completely agreed about the male interaction. So maybe we’ll get some in May/June at least.

3 Jill Tolbert { 02.10.10 at 9:25 am }

I have the opposite problem, so you are MORE than welcome to borrow any of the five males in my life. You can let Adam hang out at your house for a bit. He’s getting kinda manly. I mean, he can drive a car, and he shaves occasionally. Or Daniel. He’s not driving or shaving, but he does smell kinda pre-manly much of the time. Michael probably won’t do it for you just yet. He’s not even a teenager, but he would have fun playing cars with Noah, and Rosie just MIGHT develop a crush on him. You could have my dad for a lunch date, or Joel for a coffee date if that would help (although he’s the one I’m least hesitant to share…for obvious reasons…!) Srsly, though. I can hook you UP with some XY bidness…just sayin’.

4 Patrick { 02.10.10 at 10:58 am }

I do not need more women in my life necessarily, but I could always use some more Rach. I will be sure to be at full testosterone in May.

5 racher { 02.10.10 at 2:43 pm }

Jill – Aw! Rosie Tolbert! It has a nice ring, don’t you think? I would be in-laws with your family in a heartbeat.

Patrick – when exactly are you not at full testosterone? I was not sure that state existed for you.

6 Leigh Ann { 02.10.10 at 4:28 pm }

rachel- patrick is minus all testosterone when watching any and all chick flicks. seriously. biggest cry baby ever. i thought he was going to need therapy after watching the notebook.

7 racher { 02.10.10 at 4:48 pm }

HAHAHAHAHA

8 Rebekah { 02.10.10 at 8:10 pm }

I’ve heard that Patrick is not at full testosterone when eating bagels. or seeing bagels. or possibly talking about bagels. not sure. maybe they are sort of like kryptonite.

9 Katy German { 02.11.10 at 11:28 pm }

RE: Your Back – I had 2 weeks this summer when I just stood around crying b/c lifting my teeny baby – or bending at all in any way – caused so much pain. (This was brought about by lugging around a nearly 4-year-old in a thigh-high cast for 6 weeks while my spine was coming back into alignment after pregnancy. NOT IDEAL.) Then I went to physical therapy. (Chorus of angels chimes in.) Some new-aged dude said I had a spasming (sp?) muscle that was pulling my lower spine out of alignment. I thought he was full of crap – had to be worse. But then he ran a bunch of low-volt electricity through my joints, used an ultrasound thing that heats you from within (best thing ever), and taught me a lot of subtle but incredibly affective stretches. After 3 sessions I was a NEW WOMAN. I am a BELIEVER in PT. Go get shocked and baked. It is worth the effort to get there.

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