Non compos mentis

Imagine for a moment, if you will, that in your house you had a random person who followed you everywhere you went. Like everywhere everywhere. When you wanted a snack, that person would be right there leading the way to the pantry before the words left your lips. When you got the urge to use the facilities, you would have two choices:  move quickly and secure a private moment behind a door, all the while attempting to placate the anguished wails on the other side, or go with door ajar, the person’s body firmly planted in your pants-less lap.

Xtreme close up
*not actually on toilet in picture

In the brief moments when the person in your house (PIH) would become distracted enough to venture feet or maybe even a room away, imagine that the mind of that person would be permanently set to RANSACK AND DESTROY.  All things atop would go aground. All things folded would be unfolded. Large contained quantities of small pieces would be scattered and set free. There would be no options in the matter. With a will guided by the force of entropy, the PIH would seek out stacks of bills, carefully organized papers, forgotten cups of water and fervently carry out the RANSACK AND DESTROY edict.  The PIH would do this faithfully, methodically, gleefully. The PIH would not understand commands of “No no,” “Don’t touch,” or “Hoh! Buh! Wai-! Urrrgghhhh.” The speed at which PIH would accomplish the R & D directive would be terrifying, a sheer wonderment to behold.

Rosie window
Poised to strike.

Imagine also that this PIH, though seemingly unmoved by simple English commands, would possess an incredible need to chatter. A full eighty percent of this chatter would be absolutely unintelligible, while the other twenty percent would consist of one or two simple word phrases that the PIH would repeat approximately eleventy jiznillion times in a row until you acknowledged that they said OFF or THANK YOU or NANA.   Randomly and inexplicably, sometimes it would take four or five acknowledgments to stifle the repetition. The PIH would begin to alter your mind such that you would find yourself abandoning English in favor of phrases like RO RO WAN NANA? WAN MAMA OPIE NANA FOR RO RO? Like Pavlov’s dog, the PIH would warp your synapses ever so gradually until you would be unable to see the PIH peering out the window without saying DO YOU SEE A WUH? IS THERE A WUH-WUH OUT THERE? all the while hearing the voice in your head scream DOG! FOR THE LOVE, JUST SAY DOG LIKE A GROWN PERSON!

Peering out
Resisting…….OMG DO YOU SEE A WUH?

Additionally, this rascally PIH could not just be ignored. You would have to feed them, bathe them, interact with them, remain patient with them, wake when they awoke, pacify them, discipline them, and teach them everything about everything. Oh, and also wipe their bottom.  And half of the time when you tried to attempt these things the PIH would resist you with aural assaults, physical abuse or evasive maneuvers.

Blatant circumvention of the inevitable.

It’s completely absurd to think that anyone in their right mind would allow such exhausting, unreasonable, unconscionable behavior in their house from anyone. And to be expected to love that person as well? Well, that’s just madness.


Clearly, there is nothing left to say but that I am utterly, ridiculously, certifiably mad.


1 Samantha { 01.26.10 at 9:10 am }

Item The First: I seriously laughed out loud at this whole thing and have decided that it is the BEST birth control out there, but also sends NOW? NOW? NOW? to my uterus.

Item The Second: GAH, YOUR HOUSE IS SO CUTE. Do you need another PIH? I can totally hold that magazine you’re reading on the toilet.

Let me know!

2 Leigh Ann { 01.26.10 at 9:22 am }

you’re so awesome rachel. :)

you are the perfect voice of motherhood. :)

3 Rachel D { 01.26.10 at 6:45 pm }

Amazing pictures!
Is that ottoman in front of the fireplace to prevent the little naked PIH from climbing the chimney?

4 Laura Lokers { 01.27.10 at 11:30 am }

Have you been putting cameras in my house and watching me? Hold that thought while I remove the lego and half eaten cracker my PIH put in my coat, confirm for the 20th time that yes that was a cat that walked by (the same two that have lived here for 7 years and that you point out to me everytime they walk in the room) and resist the urge to break out into song with Yo Gabba Gabba’s version of Don’t Be Afraid when talking with my anxiety patients. Wait, what were we talking about?

5 Katy German { 01.28.10 at 4:52 pm }

Yes…I can imagine that. My PIH currently has a constant stream of snot running from its nose. Wiping said nose requires minutes of strategizing and is never successful. Good to know there are others who understand!!!! :)

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