Happy bearthday to you, you live in a zoo
There’s been little time for other things around the Yestertimeosphere lately, as we have been entertaining a guest, or according to the very informative hardware store guy who directed me to the d-Con aisle last weekend, guests. Fun Fact #1: if you have one rat, you have at least two and as many as nine! (OOOOMMMMMGGGGG).
With the weather turning cooler and several construction projects happening right around our house (one of the from-scratch, foundation dug out variety) and the fact that this (older) house has been experiencing a lot of stuff shuffling in the past month or so, we have had several encounters with the local rodentia. Our first casualty was a small innocent bag of cinnamon raisin bagels and the next night, even after measures were taken and access to the pantry shelves blocked, a full loaf of bread and a box of vanilla wafers were left in such a state that upon seeing them I gasped and covered the childrens’ eyes. Fun Fact #2: rats can jump up to three feet vertically! (HAPPY NIGHTMARES!)
The first morning we noticed the pantry carnage, I was scanning around the room trying to figure out where something could have entered, and was carefully using the word “critter” because a.) I was being optimistic that the problem was small cute-ish mice or possibly fairy sprites maybe. I was leaving the options open, and b.) I wasn’t sure of how the term rat would be taken by the four-year-old member of the house, given that he once wouldn’t go near the couch for a whole day because he was afraid the skunk sticker he’d lost underneath it was going to come alive. So it seemed to me that caution might be appropriate.
At one point I got down on the floor to peer into the cracks in the cabinet next to the dishwasher when Noah’s brown mopped head appeared on my level and after we solemnly scanned the dark for a moment, he turned to me in all seriousness and said, “Well, I don’t think it’s a bear.”
The exterminator confirmed that we could definitely consider it a rat problem – Fun Fact #3: Rats’ presence can be identified by the droppings they leave, and they do this copiously! For your convenience! – but he has since had to cancel his treatment visit twice due to illness. Therefore he will be arriving on my birthday to do his best to ensure that along with some flowers and maybe a card or two, I will be gifted with two to nine rat carcasses. I really never imagined that on my birthday wish list I would sincerely include “dead rodents.” But right now I honestly can’t think of a gift that would make me happier.
Thank God it wasn’t actually bears. Those would be a bitch to wrap.
8 comments
Oh no oh no. How do they know it’s a rat and not a cute, squeaky little mouse, possibly riding a motorcycle or at least sewing dresses for indentured stepchildren in its spare time? Make sure they don’t use glue traps, those are seriously traumatizing for all ages! Happy birthday to you!
Oh-weird-did the iPhone autocorrect a typo I overlooked to make me “myamy”?? I swear I just tried to write “Amy” in the name space…
LOL!!! fairy sprites!!! skunk sticker coming alive! a bear!!! your life cracks me up, girl!
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG–rats creep me OUT! I think it’s the skanky-looking tails that are really the worst part for me. And the beady eyes, maybe. Then there’s the pointy-nose/face thing. Pretty much all of them is disgusting. Anyway, there used to be a huge one (and by huge, I really do mean huge, like the size of a small cat) that lived under our back porch in The Village, and it would venture out in the early mornings and eat our bird food. I not-so-secretly wanted to catch it in a trap and deposit it in Marty Sadler’s front yard on many occasions. And we housesat for the Moore-Keish’s one time and they have a PET rat (not a mouse, not a hamster or guinea pig, but a real live RAT–with a TAIL), and I secretly wanted to let the thing die on our watch. Or find a pet boa constrictor and sub for us, just one time.
Yeah, I can think of no better birthday present. I might bring you something good, but not THAT good.
Ick.
OMG WE UNDERSTAND!!! We are all undergoing rabies vaccinations b/c of a bat that visited us last weekend while we were sleeping (many, many shots). Not nearly as creepy as rats in my book, but still…(shudder). Also, we just found out from neighbors that the bear that spread our trash all up the hill last week is in the habit of patrolling our neighborhood EVERY night. Seriously, just comes poking around like he freaking owns the joint! Oh, and don’t even get me started on the ants in our mailbox. I feel like that stupid blonde chick on Indiana Jones Temple of Doom every time I have to retrieve the mail. I’m sure the mailman thinks I’m in love with him, what with me dashing out the front door every day to get the mail personally.
So, yeah, critters. I should have known that you’d be having the same issues! If we are cosmically linked, as I’m beginning to suspect we are, then my apologies for moving to a National Forrest – could mean lots of critters in our lives for a while. We’ll work on joy/exhaling/embracing life – maybe it will convey.
Can I just say that the thought that rats actually jump 3 feet in the air makes the “Nutcracker” that much more realistic now…you’re hilarious.
no bears out tonight…
…the exterminator killed them all last night….
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