A few months back, L came home with a whole bunch of information he had received from a couple of ladies who did a seminar about “How to Save a Shitload On Your Groceries” (the name may have been slightly different than that) at his workplace.  A workplace, I should mention, that has absolutely nothing to do with groceries. Or coupons. Or anything remotely domestic, really.  A full five minutes into his spiel to me about how the whole coupon revolution would totally work for us and save us lots of dough I was still like, “Wait. You went to a coupon seminar? At work? On purpose?” and he had to start all over again because it was clear I couldn’t hear him over the WTFs in my head.

Somehow a week or so later, in a moment of weakness, I agreed to try out this new system of grocery shopping. The whole premise behind it is that you buy things when they are on sale with coupons that you diligently save over weeks and months in meticulously organized binders with dates and indexes and Excel spreadsheets and then you access the super top secret Pentagon list of savings through the website that you pay to subscribe to.  Then you buy as many of each item as you can and store them in your pantry, attic, closets, outdoor shed, or nuclear fallout shelter. Then, in theory, your grocery bill shrinks and shrinks over time as you create your own grocery store in your house, with $0.19 toothbrushes and $2.00 jumbo boxes of Tampax.  And then you break off from society and create your own government where you are the supreme dictator of all you……oh wait, that’s something different.  I always get our family projects mixed up!

Anyhoodle, you can imagine that my level of domesticity does not really include things like Spend Two Hours on Grocery Spreadsheet, but desperate economic times leads people to try all kinds of kooky ass shit, and I am not immune to this phenomenon.  But let me tell you, a trip to the grocery with two kids and a very specific list (“Ban Girl Deoderant, ISLAND FRESH SCENT ONLY, Buy 4!!!”) that requires more than a modicum of concentration feels kind of like competing in a triathalon.  (I mean, you know, I’m guessing.)  Back when Rosie was small enough to fit in the baby carrier, I would have to lie down for an hour after a grocery store run. Inevitably I would have spent most of the trip with a 17 pound baby strapped to my chest pushing my semi-truck-sized car cart across the entire length of the store at least six times because I could not find the location of the (75% off so says The List) No-Nonsense No Show Athletic Socks. Because I had not previously been in the habit of shopping for my clothes at Kroger.

A few months in, I’m not sure how it’s worked out for us.  Sure we’ve gotten tubes of Colgate for $0.29, and we’ve been able to afford more name brand and/or organic things, but there have been weeks that I’ve spent 4 hours grocery shopping and realized that all we have for dinner is a giant bag of white rice and a gallon of mustard.  The main kink in the plan though, as far as I can tell, is the fact that by the time I get halfway through my list, my eyes are so glazed over and my nerves are so frazzled that I end up at the egg section trying to decipher which carton of free range organic eggs I’m supposed to be buying in bulk and I snap. And I think SCREW IT. I DON’T CARE IF THESE EGGS CAME FROM ACID DROPPING PROSTITUTE CHICKENS IN A BROTHEL. JUST PUT SOMETHING IN THE CART AND GET ME OUT OF HERE.  And then I beeline out of the store, but not before tossing five pints of Häagen Dazs, 12 bags of Doritos, and a case of Sam Adams in the cart.

So, I don’t know, that may not be saving us a whole lot of money.

I guess I’ll keep on plugging though, seeing as how I have approximately five biznillion coupons in my possession.  But I dream of a day when I go to the grocery store with enough money in the bank not to have to penny pinch every item that gets tossed in the cart.  And on that glorious day, I will choose my foodstuffs not by yellow tag, but by PURE DESIRE.  And I will hold NOT a bulging coupon envelope.  And in my bag upon checkout, there will be but ONE of each item.  And that item SHALT NOT BE IN JUMBO SIZE.

Amen and amen.