Epilogue

I couldn’t leave on that note for the weekend, because although I have moments of doubt, overwhelmingly I know that I chose right.  My life is full of joy, tedium, tears, laughter, poopy diapers, slobber, hugs, and more.  It’s full of love.

And for every instant that makes me look back and feel failure there are a thousand more to remind me that I am not. Like this one.

Just a boy and a girl and a ball and an ordinary afternoon that I will always be glad I was there to see.

Worth it.

March 13, 2009   3 Comments

The italics in my head yesterday morning

I try to focus my bleary eyes on the clock in the dim sprung-forward light. 7:24.

Uhhhnnnnn.  One hour until we have to be at school. I need to get in the shower.

Noah comes in, up for half an hour already.  Where is that puzzle he got yesterday?  The new one?  With the pictures on both sides?

Buh. Um. Rosie’s diaper bag? The car? I can’t remember.

He leaves for a minute, then tears back in.  Epiphany!  Mom! It’s in the snack basket!

Oh, ok, great.  Wait.  The…snack basket?  SHIT.  We’re supposed to bring snack for the class today.  SHIT.

I go into frantic fast forward mode. L enters the room to say his goodbyes for the day.

Nooooo.  Stay for a few more minutes.  Ten. Thirty. Eight hours. Don’t leave.

Bye.

Rosie please don’t fuss.  I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.  Ten.  Ok, I’ll skip the shower. Five.  Shhh.  Shhhhhhhhhhhh.

Noah get dressed.  Noah.  Get dressed.  NOAH. GET. DRESSED.

We are not going to make it. 

Finally, in the car, on the road.  We tear into the grocery store parking space.

If I left the kids in the car it would be so much faster. I can’t believe I even thought that.  I am a terrible person.

We unload.

Hmm, awkwardly carry 450 pound carseat/baby combo, or awkwardly carry heavy baby while one arming the shopping and transacting?  Decisions.

I opt for the one arm carry – Rosie is too adorable to keep cooped up in that seat anyway.  Fastest grocery trip ever.  Go.

God, THIS is one of those times that having money would make life easier.  Individual cookie packs for everyone!  Juice boxes all around!  Whatever is closest to the checkout aisles will do!  But no.  What are those things?  Do I care that I can’t read half the ingredients if they are $1.39 for a huge box? 

Noah carries half the load.  Rosie has drooled the Nile onto my shirt.  We stumble to the checkout.

Shit.

Hey, Dr. B.  Long time no see.  How are you?

Don’t ask don’t ask don’t ask don’t ask don’t –

Um, no, I’m not a doctor.  I, um, actually left medical school. But you know, now I have a new baby!  And I work at a half day preschool, so I get to be with my kids a lot, and it’s really great and everything and, well, we’re just on a frantic class snack run right now, ha ha!  Isn’t life crazy!  But yeah, I’m not there any more.  I sure had good preparation for it though!  I could kill me a chemistry MCAT section right now thanks to you!  So that’s good, right?

OMG shut UP.  Just shut your mouth and stop talking.

Yeah, it’s good to run into you, too.  Thanks, I think they’re pretty great.  Ok.  See you!

Die.  I am dying.  I am dead.

Bag the groceries.  Gotta get to school.  Hold hands in the parking lot.  Start the car.

Hey Dr. B.  Long time no see.

School is up ahead.  I put on the blinker.

Actually, I left medical school.

My class is gonna love this snack, Mom.

No, I’m not a doctor.

Mom, we made it on time!  Look at the clock Mom!  We are on time!  Mom!

I’m not a doctor.

I look at the clock.  8:28.

March 13, 2009   8 Comments