Posts from — September 2008

Cheeseburger, fries, and a large castor oil to go, please

The day of labor is drawing nigh.

I hope that isn’t a gross overstatement – LG could actually come two weeks past her due date, which of course would mean two full weeks of wrathful diatribes of the woeful injustice of the world on this otherwise cheery and complaint-free blog.  And that would be a travesty of huge proportions.

However, today I am officially 37 weeks pregnant, which according to the books means that if you stuck a toothpick in the thickest part of this baby at this point, it would most likely come out clean.

I for one have always liked my baked goods a little on the gooey side.

But, she might need a little more cooking.  Only time will tell.  Bug has sensed a change in the air though.  It may have something to do with the fact that I spend my time either frantically cleaning the top of the refrigerator or obsessively organizing the baby’s clothes into color schemes or talking to people about their role in The Plan when I go into labor.  This last bit has him the most intrigued.  Yesterday he wanted to know what I was going to say when the baby was coming out.  I told him I would probably say “Ouch!” and then promptly hit my knees in prayer to ask forgiveness for the giant whopping lie that just left my lips.

He really wants to know exactly when the baby’s coming, and it’s hard for him to grasp the concept that she could be here two days from now or two weeks from now.  And if I want to get real about it, that’s a hard concept for me to grasp, too, and I have an actual handle on the perception of time.  Bug’s still convinced that since I told him we wouldn’t die for a long time and I also told him that Christmas wouldn’t be for a long time that therefore we are going to die after Christmas.  So you can see how the whole timing of the birth of the baby thing is throwing him a little.

Already though I can tell that they will have something special that not even I can share in – a brother sister relationship that has begun before she’s even taken a breath outside my body.  Each night when I lay with Bug to say goodnight, he scooches himself down to be face to belly with me and gently lifts my shirt and flings his arm around my girth. Then in a soft whisper, he tells her things that I can’t hear.  Brother to sister. My two kids in conversation. He lowers my shirt, but first kisses my stomach and says “Goodnight baby!” as if she were already here laying on the bed between us.

So I’m ready for the day when she is laying between us, named and in the world for everyone to see. I’m ready to see Bug whisper his brotherly secrets in her ear.  I’m ready to hear him say her name.  I’m ready to watch him wonder at her tininess and wiggliness and cuteness.  I’m ready to look at my two kids side by side. Bug and LG. Brother and sister.

I’m just ready.

September 30, 2008   9 Comments

A post with far too many ANTM references

 Pop quiz:  Who is this movie star?

Movie star


A. Myrna Loy

B. Barbara Stanwyck

C. Elizabeth Taylor

D. All of the above can eat their hearts out, it’s MY GRANDMOTHER.


This weekend we had a big family hoopty do for my grandmother’s 80th birthday and also my 30th.  And it should reveal a little bit about my current physical state when I tell you that out of the two celebrants, the 80 year old was the one determined better fit to travel three hours for said party.

Also, we had a professional photo shoot during which I tried my damnedest to look fierce and smile with my eyes. But sadly, I’m certain I’m the one in the family that Tyra would have chosen to Return To the House, Pack My Bags and Go Home.  Because the harsh reality is that broken down doll pose is just not possible with beach ball belly.  Plus I discovered that no amount of slimming techniques (I wore black!  And long earrings!  I extended my neck!) are going to fool the camera when you are nine months pregnant.

The rest of my family however, looked rather dapper and dashing and other charming adjectives.  This included Bug, who took approximately five cooperative photos before going into permanent Huh-Uh mode.  Luckily, the photographer is neither A. pregnant or B. Bug’s mom, and so was much more patient with him than I could have ever dreamed of being.  So a few more shots of Bug were eked out of him as the night went on with the help of crazy gesticulations and pink M&Ms.

The photography session concluded with a trip to a local restaurant where a room had been reserved for our party and there my mom and sister and others had laid out a table of photos of my grandmother and a table of photos of me at various stages of our lives.  There were shots of us as babies and as little girls and as brides and as young mothers, and I’m hoping that my grandmother’s movie star shot was taken after that point in life, because I’ve yet to look that put together and glamorous and, well, all glowy and stuff. So I’m guessing that means it’s coming up after 30.  Uh, and childbirth.

Because I do have at least some of those same genes floating around in my DNA.  So I’m hoping that once the swelling in my nose goes down, I’ll be ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.  Until then, I’ll just have to redouble my diligent ANTM watching efforts and reap the benefits of Tyra’s wisdom.

Or maybe I’ll just ask my grandmother for tips.  She is, after all, a natural.

 Eighty, thirty, three

Happy birthdays to us!

September 29, 2008   3 Comments

Waiting for the midwife: anything but boring

“Mom, open your tummy. (ed. note. This means pull up your shirt so I can see The Belly.) Your bellybutton is so smooth and shiny!  I think the baby’s toe is right there.  Poke poke baby toe!  I’m poking your toe!

(Insert kind and gentle words from me here like QUIT IT THAT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD.)

“But I want to POKE the baby’s TOE, Mom.”waiting 1


(Mouth is now smushed on The Belly.)

“Hey babybabybaby.  Hey baby stegosaurus.  Hey baby skunk. Hey baby cheetah.  HEY.  HEY BABY. HEEEEEEYYYY  BAAAAABBBBYYY.”

(Looking back at me)

“Hey mommy cow.”
waiting 2


(Still prodding the bellybutton.)

“Your bellybutton is like a hole, right Mom? Poke poke, baby!”


“Okay, I won’t DO it anymore, Mom.”

(Pause.  Now gently stroking The Belly.)

“I think the baby is going to come out right here.  Right, Mom?  Or, wait, where is the baby gonna come out?”

(Insert v. official sounding medical textbook explanation in Charlie Brown Teacher Voice.) 

“*GROAN* But WHERE does the baby COME OUT, Mom?”

(Sigh of resignation. Delivery of straight facts.)


waiting 3

“But Mom?  How did the baby get in your belly?”


September 24, 2008   2 Comments

Death, not even warmed over

Last Wednesday when I proudly announced to Lorso that I had already written my posts for the rest of the week, we both remarked how nice it would be for me to have a little break.  Foolishly I ignored the crazy part of my brain that was all “Yes, except that I have never accomplished this before and therefore this must be an OMINOUS AND FOREBODING SIGN OF BAD BAD THINGS TO COME.” I should really start listening to that crazy of my brain part more often.  Like maybe for lottery number suggestions.

Because holy moly did I get it Wednesday night.  I am a better friend to you, Internet, than to go into any detail whatsoever about the horrific replay of those wee hours, but let me just tell you that there is a really, really good reason that they don’t get very specific in the whole “in sickness” part of the marriage vows, because if what Lorso had to do for me that night had been in any way alluded to before the “I do” part of the ceremony, the horror would have been too great for even a man such as he to overcome.  And we all know what a great man he is.

Well, he’s even greater than that now.  Because even after the Night of Unmentionable Horrors, he slogged around the bathroom on hands and knees, scrubbing with bleach and disinfecting that place within an inch of its life.  And then he took over all family responsibility while I languished miserably on the couch.  He grocery shopped.  He laundered.  He arranged school transportation for Bug.  He brought me Gatorade. Basically, he bellied up to the table, saw that “In sickness” and raised it about a thousand bucks.   WHAT UP, VOWS.

The good news is that I definitely feel better, and the baby is fine, despite the dehydration-induced contractions I had all day Thursday (I found out it’s possible to have Braxton-Hicks contractions, regular contractions, AND nausea all at the same time! The More You Know!).  However, there was definitely a moment of realization once I was upright and eating normally again that while I was definitely back to my old self, my old self was still 243 WEEKS PREGNANT.  So it was like going from a personal Homeland discomfort level of CODE RED to maybe Code Orange, instead of all the way back down to Code Pass the Margaritas.

Still, it’s an improvement.  And my body has been adequately reprimanded that the next time that CODE RED button is pushed, there better be a baby on her way out the chute, because the administration has had it with all other shenanigans and tomfoolery.

P.S. Body, it is perfectly acceptable to push the CODE RED the very second this baby is 37 weeks.  FYI.

September 23, 2008   4 Comments

Happy Yesterversary

I have all kinds of things to update you on about last week, including a great story about the night I spent face first in the bathroom trashcan and the sad (BUT OH SO NECESSARY OMG) departure said trashcan then made to the curb on garbage day. There are also hilarious dehydration ditties, Odes to Phenergan, and early labor contraction witticisms that are bursting from my fingers, begging to be read. But CONTROL YOUR EXCITEMENT – there are more pressing matters to address.

One year ago last Saturday, I took up this laptop and began a noble journey chronicling all the v. important things everyone must know about my life on a daily basis. And that first post was so obviously life changing for the two people that read it that I decided I must continue on, no matter how ridiculous and inane it seemed. And now that there are six of you reading a whole year later, well, how can I not say it was worth it?

Thanks for stopping by.

September 22, 2008   8 Comments