Constipation

You’re dying to jump into this post after that title, aren’t you.

This week, I just didn’t blog. Just didn’t do it. It’s a slippery slope, the not-blogging. I knew this would be true when I started Yestertime, which is part of the reason I committed to posting every day. The longer you’re away from it, the harder it is to start back up.

But the truth of the matter is that despite my site’s subtitle, life isn’t always funny.

I’ve spent this whole week at home with Bug. My life has consisted of playdates and the pool and Go Fish and snacks and discipline and playing cars and housework and BOREDOM. I commented to someone yesterday that I just really wanted to go out one night with girls (yes, I said GIRLS, because I am not yet 30 and am hanging onto that for as long as I can) my own age and not talk about kids. But later I realized that even then my need for non-parentdom wouldn’t be quite satisfied, because one of my children is glommed onto my front. Largely, and in a non-removable fashion. I live and breathe “Mommyhood” wherever I go because of my physical state, and right now I’m feeling kind of buried beneath it.

Even my blog has been getting to me, because all I can think of to write about is Bug. [And quickly I just want to step up on this soap box over here and say that I have a pretty intense dislike of the term “Mommy Blog” when it is used to refer to Yestertime. And I can’t even articulate the reason why well enough, but I think it’s because 1. I didn’t start this blog to write about “being a Mommy” 2. “Mommy Blog” sounds fairly demeaning to me (though some people embrace it, and to those people I say DO YOUR THING, SISTERS) and 3. I just don’t like it, The End.] And when that happens I start to think, well wait. What else is going on in my life that I can talk about instead? And when when the answer is BIG FAT NOTHING, I start to feel a little crazy. Because, as much as I love my kid and wanted to have him in my life, I am so much more than just his mom. (And LG’s mom! Sorry! She just kicked me.) I am more than just Lorso’s wife. I am myself. I am Rachel.

There is, of course, an added factor into all of this. Heaped upon my head, like so much chili and cheese on loaded nachos is the tremendous guilt I feel when I start to bitch and moan about the tedium of home life and parenthood. In my head I think, You chose this! Buck up! Fall in line! No complaining! Drop and give me twenty!

I can be kind of drill sargeant-esque with myself sometimes.

But here is where that comes from: remembering how much dread I felt every day going to class, saying goodbye to Bug in the car knowing I wouldn’t see him sometimes until the next day. Remembering the hours and hours I spent face to face with my anatomy cadaver with not so much as a kiss goodnight on Bug’s very much alive cheek. Remembering being up to my eyeballs in biochem and physiology and never actually laying those same eyeballs on my kid for hours. Remembering standing outside my study room whispering on the phone to Lorso to put Bug on, just so I could hear the sound of him. And then trying to keep my sobs to a minimum as to not disturb my fellow studiers.

That life – not so funny.

So I left, and it was hard, and it was right, and I still think it is right. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss medical school. And it doesn’t mean that I love every minute of my life now. And sometimes I need to complain about it, even though I know I am immeasurably lucky for what I have.

So now I have done that. And on Monday, you will be returned to your regularly scheduled spectacular slapfest at normal Yestertime, because I am tired of writing about Serious Shit.

But I needed to. So thanks for reading.

3 comments

1 Allen { 07.25.08 at 9:48 am }

One: I’m always up for a virgin daquiri
Two: I’ll sneak you into grand rounds after said drink
Three: (probably should be 2.5) do you remember that SITC where the pregnant woman tried to do a strip tease to be cool again. Almost as good as the episode where the cool woman feel off the balcony…(being cool isn’t always cool)
love you

2 ginny { 07.26.08 at 11:53 am }

We think we would like things to be all one color, especially if it’s all happy or all funny. Sounds like you have your head on straight, and your’re living the full rainbow. Go paint the world, Rachel. You can do it! Make it pretty, like the rooms in your house.

3 Rachel W { 07.28.08 at 2:44 pm }

Sounds like you could use a nice prenatal massage and manicure/pedicure compliments of the Lorso’s parents. 😉
Can’t wait to see you and Bug on Wednesday!!

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