Posts from — June 2008

It’s a GIRL.

Dear Baby,

I just ate a peanut butter and honey sandwich and some watermelon, and as I type this you are gently bumping the front of the laptop. I’m glad we’re already establishing the “Do as I say, not as I do” mentality, because it’s totally better to move around a little after a meal, but I’m just going to sit here on this here couch and blog instead. But you keep doing your thing.

You haven’t been much of a kicker yet, and I don’t know if that is because Bug’s third trimester gymnastic marathons have wiped out all memory of his first kicks and their lightness and infrequency, or if it’s because you just have a different pre-outside personality than Bug did. Of course, most of the people who hear these musings on your kick status tell me that clearly you are a girl because of this.

Even the cashier at Starbucks this morning after taking my order told me with all the sureness in the world that you were most definitely a girl. “I can just tell,” she said. “That’ll be $2.49.” Cheapest psychic reading I ever had, and it came with a free decaf vanilla latte.

Of course I’ve also had others tell me with just as much surety that you are a boy. “Oh, it’s definitely a boy,” someone said recently. “I can tell by the way you’re carrying him.” Good. I’m glad that’s been cleared up. My name’s Rachel, by the way. And yours is?

I’m kind of bummed a little this time that I don’t have sure feeling of what you are. Last time I knew. But last time I also had whole chunks of time where I would just sit and think about the baby to come. This go around that time is taken up with watching your brother throw a ball upwards the exact same way 47 times in a row while simultaneously browning chicken on the stove and trying to have a conversation on the telephone. (Me not looking at your brother was not an option, in case you were going to suggest ways I might simplify things. But you’ll understand that soon enough without me having to explain it.) So you know, not as much reflection time. Sorry about that.

If you’re a girl, I want you to know this: when I had Bug I didn’t know how to be a boy OR a girl mom, so the learning curve will be the same for you as it was for your brother. He’s turned out ok so far I think. Also, I promise I will filter out the many many clothes I know people will bestow upon you and pick out only the awesomest ones. Also, I won’t make you wear any hair bows if you don’t actually have hair. This is my solemn vow.

If you’re a boy, I want you to know this: having a boy was the BEST thing that could have happened to me three years ago, and I can’t imagine that it would be one bit different this time. When that receptionist the other day said “Lord, please give her her girl this time!” you couldn’t see my face, but I want you to know I shot her a dirty look on your behalf. And I promise to buy you some clothes that are just yours. (Although Bug had impeccable taste, I must say.)

Mostly I want to tell you that I think you’re getting the best mom, dad and brother around. And we’re excited to find out what you are. So if you don’t mind, bottoms up around 10:30 tomorrow, kay?

Then we’ll go get a milkshake to celebrate. I know you’ve been wanting one of those recently.

Love,
Your mom

#1: Multiple choice.

You are on a walk when a yellowish glob falls onto your hand from a tree above. Is this substance:

a. mustard
b. squirrel poop
c. It doesn’t really matter. THERE IS AN UNIDENTIFIED YELLOW GLOB OF NASTINESS ON MY HAND. GET IT OFF.

#2: Word Problem.

A boy and his mother travel at 35 mph for five miles due east for 15 minutes for a new pair of shoes. There are approximately 25 different color choices of shoes available in the store. Five salespeople offer help, with an average of five tattoos per salesperson. What is the probability that the boy will insist on getting the shoes that are the color the mother likes the least?

#3: True or False?

A boy’s new shoes rub a blister on the top of his foot. True or False: he will be excited about the HotWheels BandAids his mom bought and wear one to cover said blister so he can walk.

Extra credit True or False: When the first HotWheels BandAid falls off, the boy will be really excited about putting on a second BandAid.

#4: Math Equation.

1 boy
1 white shirt
1 serving of sweet potatoes
1 serving of meatloaf with tomato sauce
2 tootsie rolls
1 slice of pizza
+ 1 Tinkerbell sticker
?

#5: Multiple Choice.

Your son gets 17 different red and brown stains on a white shirt. Do you:

a. wash and bleach it
b. throw it away
c. burn it
d. take his picture and blog about it

___________________________________________

Answer Key:

1: c

2: 100%

3: FALSE. He will scream bloody murder like you are trying to kill him. For ten minutes. Until you hold him down and bodily force the BandAid on his foot.

Bonus: TRUE. Inexplicably, maddeningly, bizarrely, TRUE.

4:

5: d (answers b and c also accepted)