Posts from — May 2008

Kid for rent

Yesterday I mentioned that I am an extrovert, and that this was why I thought staying home all day every day with Bug would be hard. Ah, but I forgot about a teeny tiny detail that is just as equally important. BUG GOT MY GENES.

He just joneses for other people to be around/come over/walk by our house. And when they do, he goes bonkedy bonkers. Even just Lorso coming home after a day at work sends him into a tizzy. Today I had to go meet a painter at the preschool so that he could work out an estimate for painting the space, and the whole time we were waiting for him, Bug kept saying, “I’m gonna show him my car when he gets here! What’s his name? I’m gonna show him how fast I can run! Is he here now?” Understandably, he was a bit disappointed that the man was more interested in room measurements than Lightning McQueen.

While I totally understand his need for people, I can’t always produce a crowd for him, and so he wants me to be his crowd. He wants me to watch this or look at this, or play with me! while I’m trying to fix his lunch or do the laundry or God forbid USE THE BATHROOM.

If I had to choose though, I would choose a people person kid rather than a loner. It’s what I know. It makes sense to me. So I will try and remember this next time I am feeling frazzled with him. Like right now bleeeeeaarrrrrrghh.

But I may also call Lorso at work and, skipping the hello, inform him that I AM GOING TO KILL YOUR CHILD.

P.S. In a Very Bold and Dramatic Fashion, I’d like to announce that I will no longer be posting on the weekends. It’s all about quality over quantity. See you Monday.

May 30, 2008   2 Comments

You’d think he would have at least gone for the Budweiser

Yesterday was the first full day of my SAHM summer existence. I have always been a little skittish about being home all day every day with my kid, mainly because I am a kind of off the charts extrovert to the point that I kind of get a natural buzz when I’m around two or more friends and feel downright drunk when at a party where I know most of the people.

Because of that, I was amazed when I woke up at 6:30 ready to get up. I think that’s happened maybe twice in my WHOLE LIFE. I got up and made breakfast. Made. As in, a toaster was involved. And eggs. Man, that was a bitch to clean up.

I JEST. I made scrambled eggs on the stove and toasted toast and we also had cantaloupe that I had cut up the day before. It was so wholesome and Leave-It-To-Beaver-esque!

But it gets even more bizarre. I washed the breakfast dishes. This bears repeating. I Washed. The. Breakfast. Dishes. And a fact that Lorso can confirm heartily is that since we have lived in this dishwasherless house, I have washed dishes maybe one time. That is because in order to get me to agree to live in a bathtubless, dishwasherless house, Lorso promised that he would be the dishwasher always. Then I made him put it in writing and sign it with blood.

Anyway, the rest of the day followed in the same alternate-universe fashion. I did chore-like things, cleaned out Bug’s room, and took the car in for service. And then I hit the wall.

Walking back from the Goodyear at the mall with Bug, I realized that I was bone-tired. And it was only ten till ten. Suddenly being home for the rest of the day had this ominous, foreboding kind of feeling. My steps grew heavy.

And then like a shining beacon, the QT gas station appeared on the horizon. So we stopped in for some cold drinks.

While we were in line to check out, a guy TOTALLY grabbed a case of Corona Light and took off out the door. Without missing a beat the little 45-year old cashier behind the register scaled the counter in one motion and chased the guy on foot through the parking lot. I gawked. Bug was fascinated. “Mama, why did that guy run?”

The lady behind me in line answered him, “‘Cause he a damn fool. What’s he think he’s gon’ do if he catches that man? Dumbest thing I ever did see.”

A minute later the cashier came back in, huffing and puffing, beerless. “Good try,” I said, hoping I would cheer him up. We took our drinks and left. As we walked out of the parking lot I wondered where that guy had gone with that heavy box of beer bottles. He easily could have run to our street, which is right next to the gas station. I started thinking of scenarios in which I ran into him carrying the stolen beer on our walk home. How awesome would it be, I thought, if I apprehended the guy and dragged him back to the QT triumphant? I would be a local hero. “SAHM Catches Alcohol Thief By Soaking Him With Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, Telling Him He Should Be Ashamed Of Himself.” I had visions of waddling back to the store with the guy by the scruff of his neck.

It didn’t happen though. I didn’t see him or the beer. But I went back home with a renewed vigor. Because I thought, shoot, if duties of a SAHM include “Beer Vigilante” then obviously it’s a job I was MADE FOR.

May 29, 2008   5 Comments

Cancel the ultrasound, we have all the info we need

May 28, 2008   3 Comments

Because I like to live by the seat of my maternity pants

I have this new resolution that I am not going to have the laptop open during the day while Bug is around. This is mostly because I do not want him to think that we bow down to the god of Apple, although that is pretty much the case. Because of this new resolution, I am going to try to blog at night, because it is too stressful to try and pound a post out while Bug has his 45-minute quiet time. As this did not happen last night, I now have 15 minutes to impart my daily wisdom onto your screens. Ready? Ok, GO.


Yesterday, Bug was outside with the Lorso walking backwards up the back yard when he must have reached some moment of clarity inside his head that he felt compelled to share:

“Dad, you see my green shirt?”


“Well, if you see this green shirt, then you will know that it is me.”


“But if you see a LOT of people that are wearing green shirts, then just remember that I am the one who is your CHILD.”

“That is stellar advice.”


Bug’s negotiating skills need some serious honing. Except I don’t want him to get good at negotiating, actually. Because really, getting him to finish dinner is a snap when I tell him he has to eat 3 more bites and he says, “No, TEN more bites!”



Let’s say, hypothetically, that you got back from your week-long beach trip and found out you had been given TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS in AmEx cards as a gift from the parents of the kids at the preschool where you work. I’m curious – after you said “Holy SHIT!” kind of too loud around your kid, what would you spend it on? More specifically, if you were ME, what would you spend it on? Because I definitely don’t have a shortage of ideas on what to spend money on, but narrowing it down is kind of a challenge, so I want to see if anyone can comes up with something so awesome that it trumps all my ideas. If your idea is gets chosen, I will mail you a piece of chocolate. Ok, ok, TWO pieces of chocolate. And I’ll kiss the envelope with lipstick. Unless you are related to me.

Time’s up – let the Apple be banished to its rightful corner!

May 27, 2008   7 Comments

Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah

The directions to the beach where we spent last week, if accurate, should read something like this:

Drive as far north as you can in one day until it is good and dark outside. Take a right. Then drive until all the regular normal land is gone and all you have left is alligator and bear-infested wetlands. With deer grazing on the side of the road. You will not reach the first bridge until you feel like you’ve been in the middle of nowhere for approximately all your life. Then you’ll cross about 54 bridges. Then you’ll take a left and drive as far north as you can, until that land runs out. Miraculously, there you will find a Wal-Mart. Turn left into Wal-Mart parking lot and drive past dumpsters behind the store. Realize that by the grace of God you have found your destination. Convince night guard that you are in fact checking in here, now, even though somehow your name is not on his list. Try not to use profanity. Find your condo and kiss the pavement once you’ve regained feeling in your legs and are able to get out of the car.

Seriously, we were in the middle of nowhere at 11PM, having just seen a sign that said “Watch for Bears” and I thought “Well, here it is. The place where I die. At least we have friends coming along behind us that can identify our bodies.” To top it off, I had a Milli Vanilli song in my head. And then I realized that God is too just and kind to let me die with a Milli Vanilli song in my head. And a strange calm came over me and I was at peace.

All of this makes it sound like the trip to the beach was doomed, but can I just tell you that that vacation now ranks up there as for real one of the best weeks of my life. Fresh seafood for almost every dinner, sand and sun, good weather, good friends, and board games. But it was even better than all that. Bug’s BFF was there, meaning that they both had permanent playmates the whole time, and apart from needing occasional refereeing, they just did their thing while the adults hung out (with the babies, who cannot yet talk and therefore don’t interrupt every five seconds with “HEY BONKY!”). We got to spend some good quality time with friends whom we haven’t seen in a long time, and I laughed so hard on a couple of occasions that I may have compromised my unborn child’s health. (Note to self – check with midwife about laughter-induced pregnancy complications.) Showering was optional, I was unplugged from technology for a whole week, (except the TV, because we are not crazy) and the only food preparation I did (besides the occasional PBJ or ham sandwich) was making a salad for dinner one night. We had a dinner-making rotation, and I have a feeling that it turned out that we never actually made the main dish because all of my friends read this blog. Well, joke’s on them, because that was my plan all along. SUCKAS.

I could have blogged, I suppose. There was wireless internet available at the check-in center where we were, but when it took all the willpower I possessed to hoist myself off the couch to shower even though I was covered in sand and sunscreen that may or may not have been a day old, I figured a break was in order. So let’s just take a second to recognize that I have blogged every day for 243 days. That’s longer than a school year. That’s longer than most Hollywood marriages. That’s longer than I was in medical school. That’s almost as long as an average pregnancy.

But I took a break for this:

beach bound

And for this:

king of the hill

But most importantly, I took a break so that I could spend as much time as possible with some pretty great people. And it didn’t take long to realize, sitting there on the second day with my pajamas on at 1 in the afternoon, hair unwashed and slobber on my arm from a baby that was not my own, that these people are not just my friends. They’re my family.

And they’re totally worth it.

May 26, 2008   1 Comment