First a cause, then a recipe? Oh God, what kind of blog has this become?

Recipe for Heartburn

Good prep for this recipe includes spending much of your time being sedentary, i.e. laying on couch and not moving for many days at a stretch.

1. Eat a big breakfast, preferably as fast as possible on the way out the door.

2. Spend the morning practicing self restraint whilst various small beings yell at and/or tackle you. This effectively raises your blood pressure to the desired cooking level.

3. Eat a big snack at snack time. It doesn’t really matter if this is a healthy snack or not, as the important heart-searing ingredients should come later in the process, closer to the simmering stage.

4. Sit in rocking chair for next hour, not moving.

(The previous steps help to complete optimum burning, but the following steps are crucial and should NOT be skipped.)

5. Attend work baby shower luncheon.

6. On your plate, load: one piece of cheese pizza, one deviled egg, one helping of cheesy pasta, one helping of potato salad, one croissant, one brownie, one piece of dark chocolate (pink baby booty symbol optional), one large handful of Tostito Scoops accompanied by a hefty scoop of refried bean layered dip, one helping of black bean salad, a pile of pineapples, strawberries and grapes, one serving of oniony layered salad, and one heap of chicken salad with saltines.

7. Inhale at warp speed.

8. Let sit in stomach for approximately 5 minutes.

9. Go for seconds. Add more bean dip and chips. And another deviled egg.

10. And another chocolate.

11. Immediately drive home and lay unconscious on couch for an hour and a half.

12. Drool.

13. Wake up, and enjoy!

(Editor’s note:  Recipe can be doubled.  Just add pregnancy.)

March 31, 2008   No Comments