Segueing between paragraphs is against my religion

Our backyard is becoming embarrassing. Currently there are two bags of moldy sand that we never got around to putting in the sandbox, our Christmas tree, and a freezer door back there. Plus, when it rains, the patch right by the back stoop becomes a giant mud pit. Really though now that I think about it, it’s the freezer door that’s about to push us over the edge of Cluttered Backyard right into the set of Sanford and Son. All we need is a rusty old car or a pet goat.

I cannot think of anything to cook for dinner. The only meals that might be remote possibilities for tonight involve cooking brown rice, and from what I can remember the instructions on brown rice bags say “Boil water and add rice. Cook for your whole life. Die. Have someone else get rice off stove because you are now dead. Season to taste.” I just can’t DEAL with brown rice today.

Bug got up with the Lorso again today at 5:40 a.m. and after Lorso left, he sat watching Mary Poppins on the couch for about 10 minutes until he decided he was hungry and started yelling “Mama I want a BAGEL. MAMA! I want a BAGEL! MAMA! I. WANT. A. BAGEL.” I actually said out loud “Is he kidding me?” and put my pillow over my head. Shockingly, my non-responsiveness didn’t deter his efforts. “Mama did you hear me? Mama are you hearing me? Do you hear me say I want a BAGEL? MAMA? MAMA!” Finally I yelled, “HEY! WHEN WE TALK TO EACH OTHER IN THIS HOUSE WE GO TO WHERE THE OTHER PERSON IS INSTEAD OF YELLING!”, cementing my installation in the Hypocritical Mother Hall of Fame.

I am super excited about my upcoming sketch comedy show. If you live here, you should come see it. The cast is hilarious and the sketches are just like what you would see on SNL, only with ME! I’m not sure what could possibly be better than that, other than maybe a bathtub in my house. I think the director did a really good job giving all of us varying roles, although I did notice last night that I am never the “straight man”, i.e. all my characters are nutso-pete. I would like to think that this is not typecasting.

But let’s get real: I have a freezer door in my backyard.

3 comments

1 Mandi { 03.04.08 at 9:20 pm }

1. I have some random pieces of iron, 2 empty cat litter tubs, a trashbag full of used puppy training pads and an empty koi pond which we use for mosquito breeding experiments.

2. I think those are actually the directions on the brown rice. At least, that’s what my bag says.

2 Debbie { 03.06.08 at 12:37 am }

so when exactly is the show…I didn’t get it from the link

3 Kelly { 03.06.08 at 5:25 pm }

I need dates for the show..only to see if the gun toting wife who was just cheated on shows up…that character maybe one of my favs to date….
and yea I still read your blog…everyday.

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