Posts from — March 2008

First a cause, then a recipe? Oh God, what kind of blog has this become?

Recipe for Heartburn

Good prep for this recipe includes spending much of your time being sedentary, i.e. laying on couch and not moving for many days at a stretch.

1. Eat a big breakfast, preferably as fast as possible on the way out the door.

2. Spend the morning practicing self restraint whilst various small beings yell at and/or tackle you. This effectively raises your blood pressure to the desired cooking level.

3. Eat a big snack at snack time. It doesn’t really matter if this is a healthy snack or not, as the important heart-searing ingredients should come later in the process, closer to the simmering stage.

4. Sit in rocking chair for next hour, not moving.

(The previous steps help to complete optimum burning, but the following steps are crucial and should NOT be skipped.)

5. Attend work baby shower luncheon.

6. On your plate, load: one piece of cheese pizza, one deviled egg, one helping of cheesy pasta, one helping of potato salad, one croissant, one brownie, one piece of dark chocolate (pink baby booty symbol optional), one large handful of Tostito Scoops accompanied by a hefty scoop of refried bean layered dip, one helping of black bean salad, a pile of pineapples, strawberries and grapes, one serving of oniony layered salad, and one heap of chicken salad with saltines.

7. Inhale at warp speed.

8. Let sit in stomach for approximately 5 minutes.

9. Go for seconds. Add more bean dip and chips. And another deviled egg.

10. And another chocolate.

11. Immediately drive home and lay unconscious on couch for an hour and a half.

12. Drool.

13. Wake up, and enjoy!

(Editor’s note:  Recipe can be doubled.  Just add pregnancy.)

March 31, 2008   No Comments

Screw The Earth Boulevard

cherry blossoms
This is pretty much what our whole street looks like right now. Which ALMOST makes up for the fact that NOT ONE of our neighbors turned off their lights from 8-9 last night.

But not quite.

Ok, I’m not really that bitter. But I was all excited about our “blackout”, pulling out our three scraggly candles and turning out the lights five minutes early (You’re welcome, EARTH!) and then I realized that our neighbors across the street, though not home, had left their front room ablaze for their dog. And while I don’t think you should leave your dog in total darkness, I’m PRETTY SURE he can get by without the TV ON.

Sometimes people make my brain hurt.

March 30, 2008   2 Comments

Turn out the lights

In honor of Earth Hour, this is an itty bitty post to remind you to turn off your lights from 8pm to 9pm tonight. Light a candle, read a book, and help raise awareness for climate change in the world.

Yestertime supporting a cause! Who knew. Caustic wit and drivel to resume tomorrow.

March 29, 2008   No Comments

Curtain call

See this middle aged woman with a questionable fashion sense? She is pooped. She’s kicking off her sensible pumps, hanging up her lollipop and her gun, and calling it a show.

Thanks to everyone who came! Now that the show is over my nights will return to their normal pace: watching ANTM online and deleting emails with the subject CONGRADULATIONS YOU WON OUR PRIZED while consuming an entire bag of Funyuns on the couch.

But I have a feeling this lady will come back. Because you just can’t keep her contained. Till next time…

middle aged me

Thank you and goodnight.

March 28, 2008   4 Comments

mack: (v) to flirt with or attempt to seduce

Yesterday while Bug and I were at the playground I overheard a conversation on the swings between a boy and a girl, both around 7 years old:

Boy: Have you seen the cover of Atonement?

Girl: What is Atonement?

Boy: It’s some gross movie that my parents got.

Girl: Oh. No, I haven’t seen that.

Boy: There’s this man and this woman kissing. The lady is like this [he strikes a smoochy-faced pose with head craned toward the sky] and the man is like this [leans over and puts his arms around an invisible woman, lips apucker – this kid would make a good mime].

Girl: (giggling nervously) Eeeew!

Boy: I know, it’s SO gross.

Girl: (giggles again)

They swing for a few seconds in silence, not looking at each other.

Boy: I’ll race you to the slide!

And then they were gone.

I looked after them, amused, and then it hit me: DUDE. That little boy was TOTALLY MACKING on that little girl.

She beat him to the slide, of course.

March 27, 2008   1 Comment