The lion lives in the closet


– God is protecting us from ourselves by making it so that we must buy our food with money and spend time preparing it. Because God knows that with unlimited food available, we would eat ourselves into a silly oblivion. Ice cream after every meal? Sure! Three cocktails a day? Hooray! A hamburger AND Chinese food for lunch? Why not? I have now tripled my lifetime maraschino cherry consumption, and because there was a hot buffet available every night at 11pm, last night my stomach started growling when I got in bed as if to say hey wait a second WHERE’S MY CHIMICHANGA.

– It’s not a good idea to wear a tankini in a hot tub. Those jets are forceful.

– Having a cabin porter for seven days will make you really consider hiring someone to come to your house every 3 or 4 hours to clean and straighten up. It was sad to come home from work today and realize that no more was I going to return to a turned down bed with a chocolate on the pillow and a towel folded to look like a lobster.

– When the captain gets on the intercom and tells you he’s sorry but we won’t be going to Belize because of a little bit of rough weather, what he really means is batten down the hatches, because your stomach’s about to spend the next 18 hours alternating positions between your throat and your uterus.

– Also, when in rough seas, it’s generally frowned upon to yell THAT’S IT, WE’RE GOING DOWN every time the intercom chimes come on. Other passengers don’t seem to like that.

– After you spend a couple of nights being tossed 20 feet in the air 50 times a minute, you’ll wake up in the middle of the night at home in your completely still bed and wonder how you got to this sleazy motel and who put the quarter in the headboard.

– Grandparents should come in travel-size so that they can be brought along to every vacation. Bug insisted that they be the ones to change his poopy diapers, and wanted to sleep in their room every night. Lorso and I tried our best to act crushed as we waved bye bye to him from the pool deck with our non-daiquiri hands.

– Last but not least, when cruising, you should take a couple of Norwegians along. They’re just fun lovin’ people, those Norwegians. And they teach you helpful phrases to use the next time you’re in Norway, like Løven bor i skapet.

But of course you already know what that means.


1 Don Mills Diva { 01.07.08 at 4:40 pm }

Welcome back!

2 Carol { 01.07.08 at 9:55 pm }

In the photos, it looks like your hair did get shinier while on the cruise. What fun!

3 Lane { 01.07.08 at 11:51 pm }

But wait, I DON’T know what “Løven bor i skapet” means. I must know, or my life won’t be complete! Welcome home. It sounds like a great adventure.

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