Posts from — December 2007

Christmas presents bought? Yes! Except for one or five.

Wrapped? Eh.

House decorated? Sure. Tree’s up, stockings are hung, reindeer head on a rolled up newspaper that Bug made at school is propped outside front door. Good ‘nuf.

Christmas cards sent? NEXT QUESTION PLEASE

Thank you notes for teacher gifts done? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT THE CORRESPONDENCE

Baked goods made and delivered? Check.

Daily calorie consumption tripled? Check, check, check.

Head throbbing? Only when I’m awake.

Husband’s Master’s degree completed? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Praise Jesus.

a.k.a. Mama fell asleep on the couch and ain’t got no time to write

He is looking into your very soul.

Bug’s “You’re So Stupid” face. I think Lorso told a bad joke.

Tongue of Death

I can’t move. There is something on my face. Get it off.

The British are coming! The British are coming! I don’t
even know what British means, but they’re coming!

See ya tomorrow.

In addition to getting gifts from families at the PMO, I am also receiving gifts from the other women who work there, women that I spend a considerable amount of time with each week and consider good friends. The evolution of this gift giving was a convoluted, twisted process that I don’t totally understand, but am highly amused by.

First, one of them broached the topic of holiday gifts saying, “I don’t know what you guys were thinking about for Christmas, but I know you have a lot of people to buy for, so I think we shouldn’t worry about it. You know, I mean, I think we don’t need to do an exchange or anything. Y’all don’t worry about it.”

Wait for it….

“I mean, I got you all a little something, but it’s no big deal, so don’t you worry about getting me anything.”

And the rest of us think, “Fantastic, that’s solved. None of the rest of us will buy gifts for anyone here, what a relief. Except that would kind of make us SUCK.”

So of course, the other teachers all start bringing in things for each other (there are about 7 of us total), and then all of a sudden it was like a Gift Deprecating Contest.

“No, no, y’all, really. It’s nothing. It cost me nothing! It’s just a tiny tiny thing! No big deal! If you just knew how little time I spent on this!” And then the next day the next person would come in saying, “I know what y’all are going to say after So and So brought in her fabulous gift – I should have done more, but I just picked these up, but they’re nothing. I mean, really, I only spent like a nickel on each or something. They’re just nothing.” And there is lots of blubbery exclaiming over this “nothing”: “Oh! Such and Such! These are fabulous! They are NOT nothing!! I LOVE them! This is my FAVORITE! You are so SWEET! I can’t believe you DID THIS! You are so THOUGHTFUL!!” All the while Such and Such is righteously indignant that her gift is in fact worthy of no one, and practically throwing it into the trash as we open it because she is such a terrible person for giving such a lousy half-rate gift.

Great! Where’s mine? Can’t wait to open it up!

Seriously ladies, WTF? We all have our kids’ teachers and families and mailpersons to buy presents for. We don’t need to do all this “I am going to present this gift as a most meager and humble offering but really I spent all last week searching for the right ribbon to tie around it and handmade the gift with each persons’ personal taste in mind because I want you to think this is what I consider “nothing” and that this is me being “effortless.” Please. We are so much better than that. Christmas is so much better than that.

I’m half considering coming in tomorrow (for I am the last of the Gift Givers among us) and saying, “Here everyone! I got you all a just a little something! But it really is just nothing, it cost me zero dollars because I didn’t even buy it for you – I just found it on the side of the road. It’s total crap! I mean, really, it’s poop. From a dog. And I just wrapped it in some foil, so it took no effort! I used some used dental floss to tie it together! It just took me no time! It’s just a tiny thing! Just take it! And take it quick – it’s starting to make my car smell.”

It would almost be worth it just to see the looks on their faces.

For the record, what I actually did for everyone is make Chocolate Bread, even though I hate to bake. And it is good. And it took time. And I was glad to do it.

“Oh, poor me, I have to give my kid eyedrops!”, I said, melodramatically in yesterday’s post, having not actually attempted it yet. “It will probably be hard!”

I have never underestimated the magnitude of anything so much in my life.

Bug screamed so much when we tried to give him his drops that he threw up on me. He clamped his eyelids shut with such force that veins were popping out of his eyelids and neck. It took both me and Lorso to pin him down and pry his eyes open, and 15 minutes later, when we finally accomplished our mission, he sobbed and sobbed, clinging desperately to my neck. I rocked him like I used to when he was an infant in our glider until he fell asleep, vomit residue still in his mouth, and hair still wet and uncombed from his bath.

I think I still haven’t recovered from the trauma.

But he woke up in a good mood, and even talked solemnly about the medicine he was going to have to have again this morning, ending his discussion with a somber, “I’m ready to take my medicine now, Daddy.”

But it was the same thing all over again (sans vomit, thank goodness).

My brother and sister kept him for me today so that I could save one of my sick days and go to work. So I hope that my kidneys don’t ever decide to conk out, because I think there are a few favors that are considered Trump Favors, meaning once someone’s done that favor for you, they are no longer contractually obligated to do anything else for you, ever. Like give you one of their kidneys. Or, say, be a surrogate mother for you. Or give your kid eyedrops. And now I’ve used that one up on both of them.

Damn, they would probably have been good matches, too.

I’m sitting on the couch next to a suspicious crusty stain on my left and a sleeping suspicious crusty Bug on my right. I am noticing suspicious crusty stains lately, (LIKE THE OTHER ONE I JUST NOW SEE ON MY SLEEVE, GROSS) because Bug has developed pink eye, and it is goop central all up in here. Pink eye is highly contagious they say, but even if it weren’t, I’m guessing the chances of getting it go way up when someone wipes the gunk out of their eye and SMEARS IT ON YOUR FACE.

Since the typing of the first paragraph in this post, Bug has roused, whimpered mightily, and fallen back asleep on top of my right arm, forcing me to hunt and peck with my left hand. That sentence took me a good ten minutes to type.

When he wakes up for good we’ll get to administer, for the first time, his pink eye meds, otherwise known as THE DROPS OF DESTRUCTION. I’ve seen grown men tremble at the thought of anything coming remotely close to their eyeball, and now I get to put not one, but two drops in a small child’s eye 3 times a day for five days.

Good times.