In addition to getting gifts from families at the PMO, I am also receiving gifts from the other women who work there, women that I spend a considerable amount of time with each week and consider good friends. The evolution of this gift giving was a convoluted, twisted process that I don’t totally understand, but am highly amused by.

First, one of them broached the topic of holiday gifts saying, “I don’t know what you guys were thinking about for Christmas, but I know you have a lot of people to buy for, so I think we shouldn’t worry about it. You know, I mean, I think we don’t need to do an exchange or anything. Y’all don’t worry about it.”

Wait for it….

“I mean, I got you all a little something, but it’s no big deal, so don’t you worry about getting me anything.”

And the rest of us think, “Fantastic, that’s solved. None of the rest of us will buy gifts for anyone here, what a relief. Except that would kind of make us SUCK.”

So of course, the other teachers all start bringing in things for each other (there are about 7 of us total), and then all of a sudden it was like a Gift Deprecating Contest.

“No, no, y’all, really. It’s nothing. It cost me nothing! It’s just a tiny tiny thing! No big deal! If you just knew how little time I spent on this!” And then the next day the next person would come in saying, “I know what y’all are going to say after So and So brought in her fabulous gift – I should have done more, but I just picked these up, but they’re nothing. I mean, really, I only spent like a nickel on each or something. They’re just nothing.” And there is lots of blubbery exclaiming over this “nothing”: “Oh! Such and Such! These are fabulous! They are NOT nothing!! I LOVE them! This is my FAVORITE! You are so SWEET! I can’t believe you DID THIS! You are so THOUGHTFUL!!” All the while Such and Such is righteously indignant that her gift is in fact worthy of no one, and practically throwing it into the trash as we open it because she is such a terrible person for giving such a lousy half-rate gift.

Great! Where’s mine? Can’t wait to open it up!

Seriously ladies, WTF? We all have our kids’ teachers and families and mailpersons to buy presents for. We don’t need to do all this “I am going to present this gift as a most meager and humble offering but really I spent all last week searching for the right ribbon to tie around it and handmade the gift with each persons’ personal taste in mind because I want you to think this is what I consider “nothing” and that this is me being “effortless.” Please. We are so much better than that. Christmas is so much better than that.

I’m half considering coming in tomorrow (for I am the last of the Gift Givers among us) and saying, “Here everyone! I got you all a just a little something! But it really is just nothing, it cost me zero dollars because I didn’t even buy it for you – I just found it on the side of the road. It’s total crap! I mean, really, it’s poop. From a dog. And I just wrapped it in some foil, so it took no effort! I used some used dental floss to tie it together! It just took me no time! It’s just a tiny thing! Just take it! And take it quick – it’s starting to make my car smell.”

It would almost be worth it just to see the looks on their faces.

For the record, what I actually did for everyone is make Chocolate Bread, even though I hate to bake. And it is good. And it took time. And I was glad to do it.