Limping towards the finish line with lots of CAPS LOCK

When I joined NaBloPoMo, I noticed that I had a harder time coming up with a post each day for a while. True, I already posted daily, but since I was now being watched and there were prizes on the line, my brain turned to oatmeal and I was incapable of stringing more than two words together in any kind of coherent way.

Now I’ve gone and joined BlogHer and it happened all over again. It was a combination of the anxiety of being in a new group of really good women bloggers who could potentially be reading my blog, and the fact that I now have four posts left until successfully completing my first month of NaBloPoMo. My life promptly became unfunny and uninteresting. No one pissed me off, grossed me out or said anything ludicrous. I didn’t injure myself or get a ticket, AND I made a successfully edible dinner for friends.

Like I said, THERE WAS NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT.

And then I decided to reshape my eyebrows. Trust me to come through in a pinch!

I should have a sign on every mirror in the house (and in the car) that says “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN – PUT DOWN THE TWEEZERS.” Because eyebrows, while they may not seem that important, TOTALLY ARE.

I know this now. Now that it’s TOO LATE. DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS MAKING ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS.

Anyway, I decided it was time for some grooming north of my eyeballs, and since the Lorso and I are pinching pennies, going to a salon to get someone competent to wax my eyebrows was not an option. So I got out my little silver beauties and went to town. In my head, my thoughts were something like this:

Hmmm, now what needs to go first? Well, that whole acre can go, since eyebrows should technically arch, or so I’ve heard. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Let me just grab a bunch at once, that will be faster. OWWWWW. FUCK. (see, this is in my head, so me saying Fuck is OK.) Ok, that’s a little better. Now the left eye. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Alright, let me stand back and see my masterpieces. Uh-oh. I look permanently intrigued. I can fix that…just a few more here….then a few more here…there. Look again – ooooh, no. A couple of those were definitely Crucial Load-Bearing Hairs. Wait, what was it I read in that magazine a few years ago? Brush the brows up and then use scissors to cut the extra length? I bet that will do the trick! Ok, comb up, and sniiiiip. CAREFUL! Shit. Well, let me comb them back down, and…SWEET JESUS THERE’S A BIG GAPING HOLE IN MY EYEBROW. Crap. What was I thinking using SCISSORS? Who uses scissors on their eyebrows?? Stupid me, that’s who. Wait, I think I can fix it if I just tweeze right here….”

Sadly, it took me a few more minutes to actually stop. A stronger, braver blogger who was not such a delicate flower would actually post a picture of the mutilation, but I have been clear from the beginning that I am a pansy with low self esteem. But just take any picture of a woman, white out the center of her right eyebrow and most of the width of both eyebrows, and voila. No need for a picture from me.

It’s kind of comforting to know, though, that when you are a bumbling idiot, you will always have blog material.

7 comments

1 Blue Moon { 11.27.07 at 4:34 pm }

You sound like me last Saturday night. Just say no to the tweezers. I will leave them to the professionals from now on.

2 Debbie { 11.27.07 at 7:17 pm }

You are so freakin’ hilarious. You made me laugh so hard I cried…more for how realistic the experience is than anything else! You rock! I’m sorry for the tragedy that became of your eyebrows but am ever so grateful for the laugh material today!

3 racher { 11.27.07 at 11:24 pm }

Thanks for the compliments, Debbie. And for not mentioning the $50 I paid you to say all of that on my blog….

4 Jill { 11.28.07 at 12:22 am }

Thanks for the belly laugh at the end of a very long day. On that note, I think I’ll go to bed. :-)

5 alianora { 11.28.07 at 1:11 am }

Oh man. Eyebrows and tweezers are SUCH a bad combo.

I found this out at a very young age.

Like six.

Please dont ask. Its safer and less traumatic.

6 Andy { 11.28.07 at 9:27 am }

brilliant post! and funny too :-)
I once shaved the end of my left eyebrow off with a non-electric razor. I was trying to get the hairs in between my eyebrows so I wouldn’t be a Uni-brow man and well, I shaved a bit too much. It was pretty noticeable too.
Here’s to hair-brained ideas! LOL :-)

7 Kecia { 12.18.07 at 7:04 pm }

This post made me laugh so hard it made Elliot mad at me. He was just trying to eat when he was forced to put his nascent grasping skills to use to try and hold his dinner in place. He’s not so good with the grasping. Hence the anger.

I think he may want to have a little talk with you when we get on the boat . . .

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